Dear Jeff Cohen,
Dude, what the hell happened to you? I go to my favorite celebrity “where are they now” website to look up the infamous Chunk and I find this shit? By federal law child stars of 80’s blockbusters are required to be slovenly and bankrupt, perpetually and publicly coked-up with a plastic surgery addiction, and/or serving time for their 5th felony DUI. So how the fuck did you become a successful entertainment lawyer with a law degree from UCLA?
I realize you aren’t the first former child star to experience some degree of success (and by success I refer to its loosest possible interpretation: not drowning in a pool of your own heroin-induced vomit before the age of 29). But I thought surely the loveable butterball who gave us the Truffle Shuffle, a national treasure by anyone’s account, was destined to follow the path of destruction set forth by so many others.
All the components for disaster were in place: the dizzying ascent to stardom as the most popular star of The Goonies, the glittery exposure to parties, drugs, and women, and finally the post-box office vacuum that settled in after the film had run its course. Throw in the pathetic attempts to milk the role for all it was worth by running for student body president at Berkeley on the slogan “Chunk for president” and your fate should have been sealed. Yet somehow you escaped unscathed, avoiding completely the emotional and financial depletion that have plagued such luminaries as Jodi Sweetin and the Corys (rest in peace Haim).
In some ways your success makes me feel ineffectual at shaping my own life as the hurdles you’ve overcome seem so large in comparison to the ones I find myself at odds with. Wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction and truly, you have entered through the narrow gate.
Whether your success is the result of moderately acceptable parenting or a sheer love of intellectual property law, I applaud your deft avoidance of the all-too-common pitfalls. Being named to The Hollywood Reporter’s “Next Generation: Hollywood’s Top 35 Executives 35 and Under” was a nice touch too.
Best,
Jen
Jeff’s appearance on the famed game show “Child’s Play” circa 1983. A turning point, non?
Some of your finest work
Agreed